


Boo, Motherfucker!

by supercasey



Series: Red Vs. Blue One-Shots [20]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2608712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercasey/pseuds/supercasey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."</p><p>It's about time Church fulfilled his promise, isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boo, Motherfucker!

Boo, Motherfucker

Pairing: Caboose/Alpha Church

Description: "Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

It's about time Church fulfilled his promise, isn't it?

...

The war was really over this time.

Not that it wasn't before, but things had gotten... complicated.

Turns out, the war had raged on for other colonies after the Great War was over and done with, and the Reds and Blues had gotten way too involved for their own liking. This ended with alot of bruises, seven blown up tanks, several packs of cigarettes and silly straws, a 'dog' named Freckles, and alot of other things that didn't really concern Private Michael Jupiter Caboose First Class. However, the war was over, and everyone got signed off with a big check and a pat on the back. They went their separate ways, all leaving by their own accords from the strange government building.

Sister, Grif, and Simmons took off in a taxi, Grif and Sister chattering on about how much Simmons is gonna love Hawaii. Sister promised to keep them all in touch. Tucker and Washington eventually waltzed off together, silently agreeing that leaving each other was kind of a no-go. Eventually, Sarge took off too, hopping onto a rusty motorcycle he had owned before the war, claiming that he'd be back whenever he feels like it. Carolina took off afterwards in the opposite direction, also on a motorcycle. Then, all that remained was Caboose, and he stood there, loosely holding the check in one hand, and the leash to his Sentry-Bot with Freckle's memory chip in it in the other.

"Freckles," Caboose looked up at Freckles, who turned to him, concerned. "Where did everybody go?"

"It appears that your teammates have gone AWOL, Private Caboose. Such an act of treason is punishable by death." Freckles informed him, still having that terrifying voice. "Do you wish for me to hunt them down, Private Caboose?"

"Naw," Caboose replied, smiling to himself. "I am sure they will be back any minute now. They all probably went to get me some ice cream." With that, he walked to a park nearby, seating himself on a park bench. "I will just wait here for them."

Meanwhile, a white figure watched from nearby, invisible to the naked human eye, a man dressed in full Mark V armor. Another figure stood next to him, but was a far more gray color in contrast to his white glow.

"Aw, just look at him, Church." Tex all but begged, helmet facing Caboose. "He's miserable without you."

"He looks fine to me." Church replied, leaning on the tree he and Tex were hiding in the shadow of, watching the rookie carefully. "He'll be okay."

Tex would've glared at Church if it were possible. "Church, he needs you."

"And I need you." Church argued, facing Tex, arms crossed. The posture reminded Tex loosely of the Director, but that thought was shoved away to the back of her quiet mind. "I am not babysitting him, Tex."

"You won't be. You'll just be a... guardian angel?" Tex offered, shrugging at the slightly taller man; he was only taller than her by two inches. "I dunno, just go the fuck over there and talk to him!"

"What am I supposed to say? 'Sup, sorry it's been forever, it's me, sort of original Church'!? Yeah, that ain't gonna fly." Church decided, sinking his feet into the ground more. "I'm staying right fucking here."

Tex growled, getting right up in Church's face. Church was smart enough to melt into the tree more in an attempt to hide. "Oh no you don't!" She yelled, grabbing and yanking Church out of the tree by the front of his armor. "You're staying right here and becoming Caboose's guardian angel, you promised, remember?"

Church paused, freezing in Tex's non-existent grip as he realized his mistake. "Shit, well... it was clearly not a promise, Tex. We all know I was joking around."

"Didn't sound like it to me." Tex announced, yanking on Church's armor again, facing him towards Caboose. "Now get the fuck over there!"

Church stopped, actual worry sinking into his composure. "What about you, Tex? Aren't you coming with me? I need you, and he does too. Who else will chase away house robbers?"

Tex would've smiled, she really would've. "I have a little score to settle with O'Malley. He and I are gonna have a long talk about what he did to me in Project Freelancer."

Church whistled. "Ouch, that sounds... yeah, okay, I'm kinda glad I'm going now." He admitted, nodding to Tex as she let go, stopping to glance over his shoulder at her. "Well... so long, Allison."

"Call me Tex." Tex ordered, crossing her arms the way only she and Agent Carolina could do. "If I ever catch you calling me Allison again, we'll really find out if you can kill a ghost."

"Goodbye then." Church mumbled, turning to disappear, but stopped as an invisible hand landed on his shoulder.

"Don't say goodbye... you know how much I hate them." Tex whispered, visor almost seeming to glimmer in the early morning light. "Just... I'll see ya later, Leo." With that, she disappeared as a man walked by, making her apparition puff away on contact. The passerby shivered.

Church sighed, facing Caboose again. "Perfect. Just perfect. I could've maybe handled watching Tucker and Wash being gay for each other for an eternity, but how am I gonna handle Caboose? Dammit, fuck you past me, you're always fucking me over!"

With another fake sigh, Church levitated on over to Caboose, who had Freckles seated on his lap, his bear-like hands seemingly 'petting' the tiny Sentry-Bot. Anyone watching stared and moved on whenever Freckles said 'Locating Target' to them, meaning 'Fuck off, we're having a moment'. Caboose seemed happy enough, smiling and waving loosely at anyone who smiled while passing by, going still whenever anyone glared at him. Caboose had medium length, jet black hair, and bright blue eyes. He wore a zipper-less Blue Team hoodie, blue jeans with the knees shredded, bandages covering his exposed knees, and bright red converse (A 'gift' from Sarge). He looked more like a kid than an ex-space marine.

"Hey, Caboose." Church greeted, seating his ghost-self on the bench beside Caboose, nodding at him in an almost gangster-like way. "Been awhile."

For a second, Caboose only stared, mouth agape. Church's first thought was that he'd done something wrong, but that fizzled away as Caboose started to scream excitedly. People who had been staring ran away as fast as possible. "Church!" He yelled, attempting to hug him, only greeting empty air. "You're back, and not a floating eyeball or a mini-man!"

"Yeah, it's me, man." Church said, patting Caboose's hair. He wouldn't feel it, but it was at least an act of minimal affection. "How's life?"

...

"What do you want to do first, Church?" Caboose asked, smiling happily at Church as he licked at the ice cream cone in his hand, kicking his legs as he sat on the stool. They'd found a small little ice cream shop, one where they wouldn't be bothered.

"How about you find a place to sleep tonight, dumbass?" Church suggested, sighing to himself. He had replaced the armor with a ghost mirage of civilian clothing. "I'm not about to be known as the guardian angel of a fucking hobo!"

Caboose only hummed in response, finishing the ice cream quickly before hopping off the stool. He was about to leave, but the woman behind the counter stopped him. "Excuse me, sir?" She asked, sounding a bit impatient. "You need to pay for that ice cream."

Caboose, at first, seemed confused, then nodded. "Oh, I get it!" He said, walking up to the counter and slapping a bottle cap, a bit of pocket lint, and a penny onto it's surface, a wide grin on his face. "Here is your change, ma'am! Have a nice day!"

...  
Ten Seconds Later...

"Ow! Hey, that is not nice! You are a very mean lady!" Caboose yelled as he was tossed out the door, now with a black-eye on his child-like face. He stood up, glaring at the store. "I even gave you extra pocket lint!"

"Fuck off, nut-job!" The lady screamed back, slamming the door closed as she walked back inside.

Church made an exaggerated groan as he popped up beside Caboose, flicking off the ice cream parlor angrily. "What a bitch! Come on, Caboose. Let's go." He started to levitate away, but paused, noticing that Caboose had run off. "Caboose? Oh, Goddammit!"

The ghost searched around the streets carefully, trying to find the tall, dumb idiot that he was fated to be the protector of. He looked up and down the street he was on, occasionally asking babies or psychics for help. Eventually, he got news from a guy's dalmatian that they'd seen a giant of a man following some gangster into an alleyway. Church sighed upon getting the news, grumbling curses and swears under his nonexistent breath as he stormed down the road in an angry fashion, not bothering to teleport, zooming through walls and anything else in his way. Finally, he entered a shady looking alleyway, hoping to find Caboose in there.

"Caboose?" Church called, looking around for the man carefully. "You in here, dumbass?" He turned his attention to an orange tabby at his feet, glaring at it. "What're you looking at, fatass? Can't you see I'm on a mission from God here?"

The cat only meowed, but to Church, it came out as an actual reply. He got down to the cats level, looking the feline in the eyes. "Wait... you've actually seen a giant idiot pass through here?" When the cat meowed another reply, Church looked excited, getting closer to the kitty cat. "Can you show me where he went?"

The feline hissed, swishing his tail through Church's face, the appendage zooming right through him. "Oh come on! Look, I'll cut ya a deal. You hate it out here, right? Well, how about I get the giant idiot to take you home?" The animal's ears perked up only slightly. "What do you mean that's worse than Hell? You know what, fuck you, fatass!"

As Church stormed off, the cat followed, tail swishing curiously as the animal kept up with the apparition, meowing whenever Church was about to leave the alleyway. "Well what am I supposed to do? Wait for him to come back? I can't find him, this city is fucking massive!"

Without another reply, the cat walked away, stopping in front of a tiny, almost completely hidden wall in the alleyway's shadows. It pawed on it, eventually resulting in a tall, burly man to answer the door. Church took that as his cue, zooming in after the cat as the door closed, the cat having entered. Church followed the tabby cat as it worked it's way down the long, winding, hologramed staircase before him, looking behind himself on occasion to make sure Church was still there. Eventually, he came to a halt, having entered the main room of the hideout. Church stopped too, eyes wide at the sight before him.

"And in this corner, we have heavy weight champion Quarter Pounder!" The arena master yelled, pointing at an African American man in one corner, built like a linebacker. He turned, looking into the other corner. "And in this corner, we have a new contestant. He's big, he's mean, he's a man right off the streets- it's The Big Blue Caboose!"

The crowd surrounding the arena went wild as the arena master pointed at a much differently dressed Caboose, who smiled and waved happily at them, earning a few odd looks. Church groaned, shaking his head. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me." He muttered, levitating on over to Caboose.

Caboose smiled as he saw Church, almost hugging him, but he remembered Church was a ghost and stopped himself. "Church! I am so glad you could make it! I was worried you would not come!"

"Caboose, what the fuck are you doing down here? And where's Freckles?" Church asked, having just then realized that he hadn't seen Freckles in awhile.

Caboose patted a metal gauntlet on his arm. "Oh, well, the nice man at the big building place told me that sometimes, Freckles has got to rest so he cannot die like my other friends!" He explained. "Also, I met a very nice lady who asked me why I was alone, so she brought me here-" He spread his arms, showing the whole underground stadium. "-And now I am not alone!"

"I turn my back for five minutes, and you go ahead and join a motherfucking, illegal, drug lord owned, underground fighting ring!?" Church screeched, his voice rising a few octaves. "How!?"

"Oh, well, I met a-"

"You already said that! Tell me why you did it!" Church demanded to know, hands on his hips as he glared at Caboose.

Caboose smiled, teeth showing as well as his dimples. "Because the nice lady said I was big, and strong, and super tall. She said I could beat up mean people!" He twirled around, showing off a long, blue, glittery cape around his neck and across his back. "I am now a superhero!"

"Caboose!" Church snapped, glaring again at the other man. "Goddammit, we need to get out of here before you're fucking destroyed! Do you know who these guys are? They're fucking killers from Hell! They. Will. Destroy you."

Caboose stared at Church, before pouting, crossing his arms as he tapped his foot. "You are jealous because I have a cape and you do not."

Church was about to spit out some sort of terrible insult, but the ring of the first round stopped him, and if that hadn't, certainly the scene of Caboose slamming his opponent into the floor was enough to do so. Church could only stare as Caboose kept beating Quarter Pounder into the dirt, stopping as soon as about five bodyguards threw him off of the bleeding fighter, who was unconscious and being carried away by some suspicious looking men. As the air cleared, the crowd went silent, just staring at Caboose, who was smiling as he hummed and tapped his feet to the rhythm of the rock 'n roll music in the background.

The arena master tiptoed to Caboose, as if the man would kill him, and held Caboose's arm up, wearing a less than confident smile. "Our winner!" He announced, waving Caboose's arm for him. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner is The Big Blue Caboose!"

At that, the silence was replaced with even louder music, as well as hundreds upon hundreds of screams and cheers from the surrounding crowd, who kept screaming for more. Church floated on over to Caboose, who was giggling as he grinned, waving with his other hand at the whole crowd of drug lords, stoners, hit-men, assassins, mercenaries, and many other people who were probably wanted dead or alive. Church looked at Caboose, then at the crowd, then back to Caboose.

"Dude, I know you're happy and all, but this shit is dangerous as fuck! Tex got mixed into one of these years back. Long story short, it didn't end well, man." Church explained, looking at his friend warily. "I'm just saying, you could get wrecked in here!"

On cue, a gunshot and a scream belonging to Quarter Pounder rang through the air. The crowd didn't react negatively, and only cheered louder. Caboose was also unmoved, standing perfectly still as he stared off into space, before smiling to himself. "No, I think I like it here, and I do not think alot, Church! This is a nice place-" He ran a hand through the announcer's hair, the man whimpered in fear, etching away a bit, but yelped as Caboose plunged him into a hug, almost crushing him in the process. "- These are nice people."

...

By the end of the night, Caboose had, by some miracle, not died, and had successfully gotten ten professional illegal wrestlers murdered. Also by the end of the night, Church had declared the cat who led him there to be named Joe. The manager for Caboose patted him on the back as he left the alleyway hours later, yelling 'see you next week' to him before slamming the alleyway door closed. Church couldn't help but glare at Caboose when they left, who had taken to snuggling Joe to his chest, idly patting the animal's head and listening to it purr like a motorboat.

"So, where we staying tonight?" Church asked, tapping his foot angrily.

Caboose only stared at Church, as if he should already know the answer. "I do not know." He admitted, staring at his feet sadly. "Blood Gulch?"

"We're on Earth now, Caboose," Church reminded the younger man, giving him an almost pitying look. "How about we find an apartment, huh?"

Caboose sighed, still seeming sad, but followed Church as they walked on off to find a shelter for the night.

...

They did not, sadly, find an apartment as planned, but instead found a somewhat comfortable looking bench, and had, after making a deal with a local hobo, claimed it as their current home. By morning, Caboose was wiped out, having been more or less forced to stay up so that no one would rob him, and had finally cashed out his check after about two hours worth of him getting confused with the banking system. Apparently, things were alot different bank-wise on the moon than on Earth. Afterwards, Church had convinced Caboose to actually go looking for a house, leading them to Penny Street.

"I like it." Caboose decided, staring up at the house with a smile, deep bags under his eyes as he bit back the urge to yawn.

Church gave the household a once-over, not as impressed. "It's really big for just one person, Caboose." He reminded the ex-marine.

"But you can have your own room now!" Caboose spoke excitedly, hopping up and down at the very thought. "You don't have to share a room with Tucker anymore!"

"Caboose, I'm a fucking ghost. What am I gonna do with a room, slime up the place?" Church stopped, suddenly deep in his thoughts. "Aw fuck, do ghosts actually slime up shit like in Ghostbusters? If they do, I'm gonna lose it."

Caboose, not listening, started walking over to the 'For Sale' sign on the front lawn, staring at it. "Um, Church?" He asked, tone soft. "How do I buy the home?"

Church sighed, shaking his head. "Jesus... you need to first call the guys selling it, dumbass. Tell 'em you're interested or whatever, get 'em to just... show you around? Fuck it, I dunno, I've never bought my own place before!"

...

After about five days, where Caboose had to learn how to buy a phone, legally adopt Joe, and buy a house, Church and Caboose moved into the empty household. It was large, like Church had mentioned earlier, having four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a living room, an attic, a pantry, and a basement (Caboose refused to enter it). Nonetheless, Caboose loved the place, and Church didn't really see any reason to get mad over it. As the younger, much more alive space marine ran around the house, flailing his arms wildly and cheering about something, Church smirked at Joe, who had made himself comfortable on the couch without a word, licking himself clean. Freckles floated above the cat, watching Caboose run around with a steady gaze.

"Told you it'd be fine." Church made sure to point out to Joe, grinning at the tiny glare Joe gave him. "And you said it'd be worse than Hell!"

Joe meowed his own opinion, to which Church scoffed, waving the feline off. "Whatever, it's not like he's gonna get himself killed or anything." Church explained, staring silently out the window. He could've sworn he'd seen her... a bombshell blonde with a star on her back... "He'll be just fine." He muttered, heat almost entering his chest, but it was gone before he could even feel it.

...

A/N: I've had this in my folders for a few months, so I edited and posted it after forever. Might write a sequel, might not. We'll wait and see.

~Supercasey.


End file.
